“Do you miss it?” He asked.
“How could I not miss her?” It was a baby.
“We don’t know if it was a her”.
I was her mother. I know. It was a her. “I had her in my body for eight weeks. The book you gave me told me she already had eyelids. She had eyelids and ears, Dr. Hibbard. I miss her eyelids.” Cara replied.
“I mean do you miss your former self? That is the ‘it’ that I am referring to Ms. Blair”.
I know where I am. I know what year it is and I know I’m sad. “I’m not crazy”.
“We have been working together for nine weeks”.
One week longer than my baby lived inside me. Twice a week, she left her mother’s apartment and made her way to the therapist’s office.
“We need to discuss your next steps.” Diana knew she sounded cold but she had to keep her emotions out of the lives of her patients. She met people in pieces and it was her job to put them back together. Cara was particularly challenging. The particulars of her miscarriage required sedation and Cara’e memories were fuzzy.
“I didn’t want them to take her”.
“The fetus would not have looked like a baby at all. Nevermind a female baby”.
She would have been beautiful to me. “If they had just let me see her, I don’t think I’d be here”. This is the only reason I get out of bed.
“We have to work together to help you move forward”.
She wanted to be anywhere but here.
“Stefan has tried to see you several times”.
He keeps calling and texting too. “Yes, I know”.
“He is open to attending sessions with you”.
I don’t want to see him. He will remind me of what I lost.
“You both lost a child”.
It’s not the same.
“Perhaps you will be able to think about trying again when your mind and body are ready”.
He told you to suggest that didn’t he?
“I told him I want a divorce”.
“Life changing decisions should not be made when we are sad”.
If she says “we” one more time…
“You are not alone”.
I know I am not the only woman to lose a child, but all I want to be is alone.
“I am here because I knew I needed help. I am going to stay with my sister in Calgary. I would like to continue therapy.” I can’t go back to the same home, the same bed, the same man, the same bathroom floor without the blood.
“I think that is a wise decision. I will reach out to my contacts in the West and send you a few names”.
There is a team of movers at my house packing all my things.
“Thank you, doctor”.
“Good luck, Cara”.